African Weddings

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 6, 2009

Last night I had the opportunity to attend a wedding with my friends Witness and George, two Tanzanians I've met during my time in Arusha. But before I really get into the post, I must preface with two points. First, I only attended the wedding reception. The wedding ceremony itself took place the previous day, and was attended only by the close friends and family of the bride and groom. Second, although I didn’t specifically ask, this didn’t strike me as a wedding which most Tanzanians could afford. That being said, I would imagine that, similar to American weddings, the actual rituals within the ceremony are similar, regardless of its size or grandeur.

So, I had originally planned on writing about the differences between American and Tanzanian weddings, but was surprised to find that in many aspects they are actually quite similar. For instance, the reception was held outside on the grounds of a resort a few miles outside of Arusha, with large tents containing table settings for a few hundred guests surrounding a dance floor area. Throughout the course of the night there were drinks, dinner, dancing, gifts, and a number of ceremonial rituals performed by the bride and groom. All pretty standard for something you might find in the U.S.

Even the ceremonial rituals, which I thought might be the most interesting aspect of the wedding, were strikingly similar to those in American wedding (e.g., such as toasting with champagne), and those that were different didn’t exactly strike me as all that exotic. For instance, instead of the bride and groom cutting the cake and feeding each other a bite, it is customary for them to cut the cake and serve it to their parents and other members of their family. Even some of the bigger differences, such as the absence of wedding parties, didn’t seem to alter the feel of the ceremony all that much. While I’m sure I’m vastly oversimplifying, and that there were actually some interesting and complex African traditions, I either failed to observe them, or they were subjects that were beyond my skill to explain in a compelling manner (or more likely, both).

What I did find extremely interesting, however, was the conversation I had with George about the African customs surrounding a marriage proposal. To put it succinctly, it’s expensive for a guy to get married in Africa. To even officially ask for a woman’s hand in marriage, a man must first provide the food and drink (i.e., a goat and several crates of beer) for a large family banquet, where he then meets the extended family and receives their blessing to marry the woman. Then he must ‘pay’ the father and mother of the woman, sometimes in cash, but more often in the form of cows. As could probably be expected, the more educated and beautiful the daughter, the more cows she costs (I didn’t think about this afterwards, but you know how lots of women in the U.S. kind of have that unspoken rivalry about who has the bigger diamond in their wedding ring? I wonder if African women have a similar thing over how many cows it cost their husbands to marry them). Finally, once all this is done, it’s then the groom’s responsibility to pay for the actual wedding ceremony as well.

I think I would have found this all completely mind-boggling if I hadn’t run across a book a few days prior, African Friends and Money Matters, that explains at a high level the theory behind the African males having to pay his future in-laws to marry their daughter, as opposed to the American system [imported from Europe] where the parents actually assist the newlyweds. I thought the author did a great job of explaining it, so I’ve selected a few excerpts from the introduction section of the book:

“Take dowry and bridewealth as examples of how history and resources are reflected in present day culture and economic practices. Dowry for females and portion for males developed in Europe as a means for keeping the capital that families had accumulated within the family tree. Capital was passed from the older generation to the younger one, so that the young people could maintain the place of the family in society. Daughters were given dowries, the eldest son received the land holding, and other sons received portions in money or goods. There was inherent fear that if the young were not given the financial means to make a good start in life, then the whole family would suffer from a declining economic base.

In Africa the economic conditions were very different. The population was low in relation to land, which was abundant, but the land required large inputs of labor for subsistence farming. So labor was a key commodity, and women were the key workers…So when a woman married, and thereby usually joined her husband’s family, it meant that a very valuable worker was lost. Bridewealth was paid by the groom’s family to the family that was losing the worker as compensation for the loss...Thus, in Europe wealth was transferred from daughters’ parents to the daughters themselves in order to give newlyweds a good start in their family life. In Africa the system was different. Wealth was transferred from the family of the groom to the family of the bride. The newlyweds received no wealth. In fact, they had life-long obligations to materially assist the bride’s family.”

I think it should come as no shock that I vastly prefer the Western system. Not simply because I’m a guy who is probably looking to marry in the next decade, but more because looking forward, as a potential future father, the cost of paying for a wedding and helping my daughters (or sons) get established in their new lives appeals to me much more than any gifts I might otherwise receive from my daughter’s future husband. Further, the thought of being comfortably established in my own life (as I hope to be at that point), yet taking what little my daughter’s fiancé has himself strikes me as not only wrong, but borderline offensive.

That being said, I’m hesitant to label one system as better than the other. As the author pointed out, these two traditions arose from very different cultures and economic conditions. The Western culture allows for many parents, hopefully like my future self, to be in a position to assist their children at their time of marriage. But what if I were an African, headed into my later years without the comfort of retirement savings or pension plans (which are very uncommon here)? I would be declining in physical capabilities if I was a manual laborer, and even if I did have a knowledge-centered career, I wouldn’t want to go on working forever. Would I be so disinclined to receive payment for my daughter’s hand in marriage then? I have to imagine I wouldn’t.

I think this topic is a perfect example of two very distinct traditions that can be widely misinterpreted by members of the opposing culture if it’s not properly understood how each arose. I don’t think I will ever fully agree with this particular African tradition, but in taking the time to recognize where it originated, I at least have a basic understanding of it. And when dealing with two distinctly different cultures, I think that simply understanding, rather than acceptance, can be a satisfactory goal.